A lonely heart in a forgotten room

The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.

When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.

When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. i just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.

I am so fucking painfully over this. I hate this. EVERYFUCKINGTHING. I can't take it anymore. I can't handle it.

Getting up everyday, putting myself through it and pretending its all okay is KILLING ME. The only reason i havent killed myself already is because of Chris. Because I promised him I wouldnt.

The funniest thing is that noone has any idea that its this bad. well except for Chris. Well surprise surprise everybody im not the fucking tormentingly happy fucker you all think i am. I am the angriest fucking person on the face of the earth and add to that a "minor" case of depression and well fuck here i am.

I'm so over everyone. I'm so sick of people coping and smiling and knowing that its all okay for them. I hate people like that.

I dont want to do this anymore. Okay? I FUCKING QUIT!

School, family, the fucking school counsellor. the WORLD! its all driving me insane and i cant take it anymore. Everybody tells me "its okay, not long now" DONT THEY FUCKING REALISE THAT I DONT HAVE THAT LONG IF I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS!!!! WHY DOESNT ANYBODY FUCKING GET IT!!! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! "dont worry, you're doing so well" "you're coping so well" well fuck me if im coping then what the fuck are the rest of you doing? i am the least fucking coping person in the world.

I'm fucking drowning and everyone on the shore thinks im fucking waving at them. well fuck you all.

I cut my thighs last night. Both of them. At the top.

I know I shouldnt have done it. But I just felt so bad.

I hate feeling this way and not being able to control it.

Ah thats bullshit. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to feel better.

I've been feeling down lately.

I don't know why.

Just sometimes I feel like bursting out in tears.

I don't understand it.

And I can't help it.

I want to do something I know I shouldnt but I might not be able to help myself.

I feel fat and horrible and I dont like it.

Somethings wrong.

I dont know what it is.

But there's something wrong.

I think I'm broken.

You scored as Slut. </td> Slut 63% Athletic Tomboy 50% Hippy 38% Popular Bitch 31% Nerdy Girl 31% Goth 31% Preppy Girl 6% Loser 6% What type of girl are you?!! created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Blue. Your heart is blue. You are a very calm and relaxed person. You are very caring and like helping others. You're grateful for what you have in life, even if it's not perfect. People love you for who you are, don\'t ever change that- it's what makes you the great person that you are. </td> Blue 89% Yellow 86% Pink 75% Black 57% Purple 54% White 46% Red 36% Orange 25% Green 25% ~What colour is your heart?~ created with QuizFarm.com

I feel absolutely sick.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Thats not good I take it?

Right?

I hate fathers day.

For me. It is one of the worst days of the year.

For all of you out there who have a decent father.

Who loves you.

Who treats you kindly.

Who deserves to live.

Who thinks you're one of the best people on the planet.

Dont ever forget what you have.

Or how lucky you are to have it.

Remember. Because if you can't be happy with what you have. There's no hope for me.

I hate fathers day.

My day is officially crap.

I hate my life.

Everything was going so well and now it's all just crap.

I have no energy today.

I feel fat.

I feel horrible.

I hate my life.

I hate that noone knows how I'm feeling inside. I wish that someone knew.
I hate how ignorant people are. I wish they understood.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!! He makes me so unbelievably angry!!! He's so patronising and ARGHHH!!!!

( Emails )

I know why he wants to talk in person. Because then there's no proof of what we say. There's no evidence and he can manipulate me even more then he already has! He's a selfish, manipulative prick and I hate him. And I hate my brother and I hate this world. Its not right. None of it ever is. I dont get it. What did I ever do wrong? What horrible things have I dont to deserve this? Does anyone know? Cos I sure as hell don't!

I really need to scream now. I can't take this anymore. Any of it. I need a break. Maybe I'll admit myself. Seriously. I've had enough. I just want it all to stop. I wish I had the courage to kill myself.

I'm a coward. All I want is Beni. And my Mum. Actually that's a lie. I want out.

P.S. Comments would be appreciated. Otherwise I think I'm going to go insane. I need to know that someone gives a damn.

These lyrics struck a chord with me. Thought I'd share.



And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

*HUGS* TOTAL!
give Hannah more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

Descibe me in 5 (seperate) words. Then post this in your own journal.

I've decided to be unsociable!